Taking back me

Late last year I decided it was enough.

After 20 something years of wearing a padded suit I was ready.

I was ready to shed the protective layers I had slowly amassed over that time.

Enough of hiding my reality from myself.

Enough of using my padded suit to hide the emotional hurt that it was used to hide.

I decided that I was worth it.

My family was worth it.

I needed to face up to the fact that very soon my padded suit was going to create MORE tragedy than it ever could hide.  I was unhealthy and I needed to face up to it.

What I decided was that shedding my padded suit required me to be completely and utterly vulnerable.

I needed to give myself the gift of vulnerability.

I needed to lay myself completely bare.  

I needed to let myself not only know but ACCEPT that I wasn't infallible, that I didn't cope all the time, that I didn't need to be perfect and that that was ok.

Watching this helped me so much. Find some time to watch it too.

I am crying as I write this as it is still not easy to accept.  I am slowly learning to be more gentle on myself.

It is a hard post to write but an even harder post to live.

I have always detested diets & fads and generally been upset at how women have been pressured into a ridiculous way of 'how we should look' as a way of judging them- of judging their intelligence, their worth, their everything.

It should NEVER EVER be about this.

We should be defined by our hearts, our brains, our behaviour & our souls.

Therein lay the rub for me.

To really truly look after my heart & soul it was going to take shedding the padded suit.

A physical transformation which represented an emotional one.

Taking back me.

So......  here we are a bit over 6 months later and after lots and lots of hard work, more conscious living and making a stance for myself that I am well on my way to achieving my goal of health.

Heart health, soul health & physical health.

I have never eaten unhealthily and don't eat processed foods - but I just ate too much.  Learning to work out the balance has been one of the most important lessons of all.  It is and always has been a simple equation.  The physical output needs to outweigh the input.  I just needed to educate myself more on that equation.  It has been such a great thing to teach myself.  

I don't deny myself foods, this whole exercise is NOT a punishment it is a gift.

I have just learnt more balance.

I chose to ignore my physical health as a way of ignoring the 'inside' health that I just wasn't ready to deal with.  It all felt too hard.  This is not (and never has been)about the way I look, I have never had a problem with my body & I know I am loved for who I am, not how I look.  This is about health.

What I now know is that a person has to be ready to deal with that 'inside' stuff before they can take care of everything else.  

What decides that time I don't really know.....

I am just ever so thankful to be there.

I am not in a hurry.  This is a life decision not a diet.  It took me over 20 years to get here and I have not put a time on my goal.  

Here I am.

I am enough.

SPRING ONION PANCAKES:

These morish Pancakes come from Northern China.

They are made in the same as way as Dumpling wrappers are- flour and boiling water.  This dough is much more malleable and easy to work with than cold water dough.

My kids love them and have been asking for them for brekky quite a few times these holidays.
I normally make them to serve with Hainanese Chicken rice but they are delicious anytime!

My 4yo Sous Chef helped me make these this morning.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

• 250g Flour
• 220ml boiling water
• 3 tablespoons Sesame oil
• 3 spring onions, chopped ( green part included!)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• rice bran oil for frying.

METHOD:

Place flour, salt and oil into a large bowl.

Add boiling water and mix well- use a spoon.

Lay onto floured surface and knead for about 5 minutes.

Take a small portion of dough- about the size of a large walnut and roll into a ball.

Use a rolling pin to roll into a circle so dough is  about half a centimetre thick.

Spread some chopped spring onion over the surface.

Roll into a cigar and the into a snail shape.

Use the rolling pin to once again make a thin pancake. 

Heat some Rice bran oil in a non stick frypan and fry for about 2 minutes each side or until golden brown.

Place on paper towel.

Slice and serve.

One of my lovely (and very clever) readers sent me this song - thankyou! It is her band. Such a beautiful track! LOVE it. Do you?